


Astronomy Cows

by iarrannme



Series: Planting and other stories [7]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Artist Michelle Jones, Bad Puns, Bisexual Michelle Jones, Bisexual Peter Parker, Developing Relationship, Emotions, F/M, Feminist Themes, Flirting, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Love, MJCU (Michelle Jones Cinematic Universe), POV Michelle Jones, Parent-Child Relationship, Post-Spider-Man: Far From Home, Teen Romance, Trust, identity reveal consequences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:21:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22603156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iarrannme/pseuds/iarrannme
Summary: MJ trusts Peter, but that doesn’t erase the challenges of dating a superhero.  She’s got her own life to figure out too.  (Or, a fair amount of fluff, a slight seasoning of mild angst, sprinkles of humor, perhaps a bit of grated plot, mix and simmer until desired consistency is achieved.)This fic starts the day after Planting (so, after all previous works in the series).  You can read it on its own, but it does reference events and jokes from the others.
Relationships: Karen (Spider-Man: Homecoming) & Michelle Jones, Karen (Spider-Man: Homecoming) & Peter Parker, Michelle Jones & May Parker (Spider-Man), Michelle Jones & Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Michelle Jones & Original Character(s), Michelle Jones & Pepper Potts, Michelle Jones/Peter Parker, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Peter Parker & Steve Rogers
Series: Planting and other stories [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1463758
Comments: 33
Kudos: 58
Collections: Bisexual Visibility, Focus on Female Characters, Michelle Jones/Peter Parker, Queer Characters Collection, Second Person POV, Secondary Character Focus, Spider-Man Public Identity Reveal, Women of the MCU





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to SpideyFics & Faileas for the beta.

“—and ‘ _lose_ your virginity’? Like virgins are perfectly unsullied, innocent and pure but as soon as you’ve had sex, boom, unfixably contaminated. Please. Have sex and … you’re the same person, with another experience under your belt. Uh. So to speak.”

May’s already nodding. God, you love this woman, even if somehow you and Peter don’t work out you’re totally keeping her. He can go find himself another aunt. “Linking sex and purity is so unhealthy, isn’t it? Peter, Ned? You’ve been really quiet, but we don’t mean to exclude you. You’re both virgins; what do you think?”

Ned chokes on his tom kha gai as Peter moans, “Mayyyyy!” and drops his head into his hands. May winks at you, and you nearly snort your tea. Oh yeah. She’s yours.

“See, patriarchal sexual standards harm guys too! Girls should be embarrassed if they aren’t, guys should be if they are: how stupid. I love you both whatever you’ve done or not done with a girl, guy or non-binary person.” Why can't Coach Wilson be this matter-of-fact in sex ed class?

Uh-oh, Peter’s about to lift his head. “People,” you suggest innocently, and yep, back down goes the head with a groan. May gives you a thumbs-up. You clear your throat. If this keeps this up you’ll start giggling. “May, thanks for dinner. Can I help clear dishes?”

“Peter, she can come over and talk to me any time, why didn’t you bring her a long time ago?”

Peter finally sits up. “Because I knew how you two would be together. Except it’s even worse than I thought.”

“Worse? Or _better_?” You give it exactly the right intonation.

“Invader Zim?” Ned says, perking up now that he can shift the conversation in a nerdier direction. “ _That’s_ what we should watch tonight!”

“Fine,” May says, “but first help clear the table, no way will MJ and I be the only ones doing that. Leave! No! Evidennnnnnnnnce!”

Ned looks at May adoringly. “Did you just make an Invader Zim reference too? Marry me, May, how do you even know Invader Zim?”

“I’d be too overwhelmed by a man who wears hats as well as you do, Ned, and the thing about Invader Zim being an older cult classic is … so am I.”

* * *

May only makes it through the first four episodes before going to bed “because some of us have work in the morning – and _you_ be done patrolling by midnight, you need your rest even if school’s out, and nobody touch the vegan brownies, I’m working on the third-floor neighbors.”

Peter and Ned get into an argument about whether the Almighty Tallest could secretly be Emperor Palpatine and his clone in an alternate universe; you roll your eyes, get out your sketchpad, and prop your feet on Peter’s lap.

Eventually Peter says, “Whatcha drawing? Ned and me having crises at dinner?”

Huh. Ned looks like he’s having a mini-crisis just remembering. “Cows.”

Peter blinks. “Cows? That’s kinda … far afield … from your usual subjects.” You blatantly ignore him.

Ned seems eager to avoid the topic of his dinner crisis. “Cows are boring.”

Peter starts massaging your feet. Oooh. “Unless these are cows! In! Crisis!”

“Astronomy cows, dorks.”

Ned makes a face. “I don’t like astronomy. Too many stars.” He throws a piece of popcorn at you.

Peter intercepts it and throws it back. “Dude, you love Star Wars.”

“Yeah, but in real astronomy there’s no light sabers.”

“OK, but there’s black holes, magnetars, all different _kinds_ of Force, and, and …”

You’re not sitting here for a Star Wars vs. Real Stars argument. “Dudes. Astronomy cows.”

Your loyal nerd backs you up. “Yeah, see? Astronomy cows.”

Ned gives you a _you two are disgusting_ look. “Astronomy cows aren’t a thing.”

You lower your voice, going for darkly foreboding. “They will be.”

* * *

You flop on your bed, putting the final touches on another astronomy cow while waiting for Peter’s text. He complains about three whole people wanting to know he’s gotten home safely, but tough luck, that’s what you get for letting people care about you.

Your phone buzzes: text to group DorkChat, from Spider-Nerd: _home ok night_

After Ned acknowledges, you text Peter back privately.

_knock on May’s wall?_

_yes nanny_

_hey_  
_just trying to help_  
_loser_  
_(can’t let it get all syrupy up in here)_

_i know : ) thank you_  
_there are syrup puns to be made_  
_but too tired, dont think im maple to do it_

_omg im dumping you_

_if you butter me up maybe ill rub your feet again_

_hmmmm block your number now_  
_or wait til i get one more foot rub_

_just think what you could get if you syrup … me? up?_  
_oo found the spackle_  
_OK GOODNIGHT_

_i have decided_  
_i will let you rub my feet tomorrow_

_awesome can’t wait_  
_hey wait thought i was making you earn that_

_i watered the strawberry plants today_

_ok ill get them tomorrow_

_im gonna hang out with May tmw while you patrol_

_uh-oh_

_sweet dreams :)_


	2. Chapter 2

You don’t hear him sneak back into his room – of course. He calls, “It was a good afternoon, May. Saved four cats, gave seven people directions, stopped two muggings. Fixed a little kid’s tricycle, the wheel’d gotten bent. People gave me churros.”

“Great,” May calls back, flipping to your next sketch.

Your phone buzzes.

_i know youre out there_

_am i?_

_breath_  
_heartbeat_  
_tiny creaks from the chair facing my room_  
_your phone buzzing every time i text_  
_scent of ginger lemongrass tea may got for you_  
_scent of paper from your sketchbook_  
_scent of you…_

_good thing i have tea_  
_bc youre making me thirsty_  
_hmm you have other senses …_  
_how else can you prove i exist_  
_i can hear your phone too :p_

_i can hear you smiling_

Rummaging noises. “Do we have any clean tow—never mind.”

_dont say anything when i come out, ok?_  
_dont do anything to make may turn around_

_are you hurt_

_ill be fine by the time im out of the shower_  
_promise_  
_just a little stiff_  
_uh no innuendo there_

_let me see_

_…_

_let me see or im telling may right now_

_ok…just dont scare may_

He steps out of his room, back to you. Towel around his hips, suit bracelets, and nothing else. God. _Damn_. Beautiful. You turn your breath-catch into a yawn, for May, but when he turns around, it’s hard not to gasp: his torso is covered with bruises – imprints of a tricycle wheel and who knows what else – faded, except for a deep-purple splotch on his left hip. He’s limping. Fortunately May’s still focused on your sketches and doesn’t see your eyes widen.

You meet his eyes. Well. This is going to happen, isn’t it? He isn’t going to stop, and that means he’ll get hurt. Not like you haven’t seen him come into school so many times hiding an injury. Not like you didn’t see him on the Tower Bridge, or keep him from getting jostled boarding the plane home. Neither of you has to like it. You give him a tiny nod, then glance towards the bathroom. He nods and goes. You sigh.

As soon as the bathroom door closes, May looks up. She opens her mouth, then glances after Peter and shuts it again with a wry twist. She pulls out her phone and texts something, but shows it to you rather than sending it.

_He’s hurt._

You nod reluctantly.

_But he told you not to scare me._  
_Promised he’d be fine by the end of his shower._

You nod again, then pull your own phone out.

_i made him show me_  
_lots of bruises_  
_mostly healed_  
_big purple one left hip_

She sighs, then presses her lips together and nods.

_I let him get away with this_  
_because I made him promise not to hide anything serious._  
_He and I define serious differently._  
_When he comes out I’ll find an excuse to step out._  
_Make him show you he’s better._

You hesitate.

_we agreed clothes stay on_  
_i just made him show me now bc i was freaking out_

Her mouth quirks.

_I’m glad you can talk about that._  
_I don’t want to push you into anything you’re not ok with._  
_But speaking from experience…_  
_Nightmares about his injuries suck._  
_Might help to SEE he really is better._  
_I’ll step out; you decide what to do._

You already know about the nightmares.

She turns back to the sketches. “I love these! So lively and funny. Maybe we could turn it into a little fundraiser? For books?”

“Oh! Hang on!” You flip to the astronomy cow wearing socks and a dorky science pun T-shirt (an eight-legged cow saying “I ♥ my mootations”) and add a web between the horns, then to the one spinning in an office chair and add an oversized hat. Hmm, they need light sabers.

May smiles. “Where’s mine?”

“Here.” Long hair and high-waisted pants look about as silly on a cow as socks or a hat.

May bursts out laughing. “MJ! Definitely a fundraiser. Auction off personal ones, I’ll buy all three of these. You have to autograph them though.”

You flip the sketch book closed. “Don’t let him see.” You head down the hall and knock on the bathroom door. “Hurry up, May refilled my tea three times.”

His “ok” sounds a little breathless. Why would – oh. You smile. Maybe he really does heal that fast.

When you get back out, May grabs her keys. “Gonna go get the mail, back in five.”

The door shuts behind her. Peter’s making himself a sandwich. You sit down at the table, tapping your fingers on your tea mug. You _did_ set a limit … He turns and dammit, he’s still favoring his left side.

“Let me see,” you say abruptly.

He blinks. “I …”

“I’m not asking for sex, Peter!” You stand and grab the dish towel, then reconsider and bring his towel from the bathroom. “I’m sorry I threatened to tell May, I shouldn’t have pressured you, I just – I need to figure out how to handle this, because it’s gonna keep happening and I need to know what _you_ can handle so I know when to actually worry. OK? Don’t decide for me.” You hold out the towel. “Let me see you. Please.”

He reaches out slowly and takes the towel, then holds it loosely in front of himself, gesturing with his suit bracelets. His clothes slither fluidly over his body to his wrists, extending the bracelets along his forearms. You raise your eyes to his. He’s biting his lower lip. “OK?”

He hesitates, then nods firmly. “This just isn’t how I’ve imagined my first time using the _remove_ function for you.”

“Heh. Same.” You let yourself examine his chest. Almost entirely healed. His side. Still a few small splotches of dark yellow. His hip. Still bruised, but no worse than his chest earlier. You let your breath out. “Thank you.” You lay your hand on his hip, slowly and carefully. The skin over the bruise is hot beneath your palm. You blink and lay your other hand on his chest where there was a bruise earlier. Warmer than your own skin, but not feverish. Hmm. You move your hand to his upper arm where there’d been no bruise. Normal warmth. You raise an eyebrow at him. “Accelerated healing burns hella calories at the injury.”

He snorts. “Wearing only a strategic towel and it’s my cellular metabolism you’re interested in?” he teases. “Or is that an excuse? If you want your hands on me…” He puts his own free hand gently over yours. “And yes, so: sandwich.”

You want to kiss him. You want to smirk and collect more data. You want – you make yourself take your hands off him, though not without trailing your fingers lightly over unbruised skin above his hip. “I’m sciencing to distract myself from worrying and disrespecting our boundaries, Spider-Dork, and to keep from hurting you because if I grab your hip like I’m thinking about –” You clear your throat.

He’s smiling. “My hip will be fine in an hour.”

“I _really_ don’t want you to put your clothes back on, because … you’re _beautiful_ , but –” You both sigh as his clothes slither back into place. “I figure one minute for kissing and thirty seconds to take the towel back to the bathroom.”

“I’ll hear her coming and handle the towel. Ten seconds. And. Um. You're really beautiful too.”

You use the time well.

* * *

May’s smiling slightly when she returns, even before she acknowledges your glance at Peter and thumbs-up. “Building’s been sold. Notice of new management.” She and Peter trade looks.

Peter glances at the mail, then does a double-take and laughs. “Let me see that envelope.” He takes out the letterhead from the management company.

You crane to see. “TSInitiatives, and that logo is … supervillainy for a real estate management company, and your building got bought a few days after your identity got revealed, should we call Happy and start running? I have some cash and a crappy fake ID and I know where we can get a burner phone.” They seem to be taking this whole situation awfully lightly. You still can’t sleep with all the lights from the new security gadgets in your own family’s apartment.

Peter squeezes your shoulder. “It’s ok – this isn’t public, but it’s Pepper and Happy. T.S., all right?”

“Peter, anyone who wanted to fool you would sign something with Tony’s initials and you’d believe it.”

He rolls his eyes. “They _told_ us. And –” He disappears into his room briefly, returning with a T-shirt. “Tony designed this for me. No one’s seen it except Pepper and Happy, it was a present when we finally got the web-fluid formula right but I never wore it to school.”

The shirt shows two beakers tilting over a large pot. In the first, tiny gears and tools; in the second, numerous small squid squashed together; and in the pot, some robot-exoskeleton-covered squid thing: the real estate company logo. Large letters proclaim TERTIUM SQUID.

You shake your head. “I believe you, but this shirt makes me question your life choices. Please never explain it.”

Peter looks up from skimming the letter to smile at you. _Ugh, those eyes are **not fair**_. He says to May, “There’s still language in here about vetting residents …”

She reads it herself, eyes narrowed, then looks up with a combination of steel and sly humor you’ve never seen on her before. Wow. You need to redraw her astronomy cow to be significantly more badass. “They’ve softened it. Not as much as I wanted. But our building now has a Residents’ Association, I’ve gotten everyone to join, and everybody has at least three neighbors who’ll vouch for them. We’re watching out for all of us. People will _not_ lose their homes because of Mysterio.”

“Wow, May. Will that have any legal force, though? If they own the building …”

“It might not be enough with any other owners. But Pepper and Happy _will_ listen to me.” That steel again. You almost shiver. _That. When I grow up. **That**_. It feels like, like … not like the moment you actually grabbed the mace (that was mostly terror, especially when you nearly dropped it), but the moment before, when you decided to.

Peter glances at you – did your breathing change? Your heartrate? “Never underestimate the power of May’s vegan brownies. We’ve been using them to _butter up_ everyone in the building over the past few days.” He gives you his blandly innocent face, and if his gesture happens to resemble what he used to trigger his suit’s remove function, well, that’s either happy coincidence or an entertainingly dangerous game he’s playing.

“Must’ve been just her today. You were too busy getting battered, whipped and creamed.” You raise your eyebrows at him for the last one, and add a helpful gesture when he looks confused, since May’s returned her attention to the letter. His eyes widen and he flushes, then grins.

“Oh my god you two, just because dinner is pancakes!” May exclaims. “Speaking of, Peter, no patrolling tonight. Ned’s coming, you three can watch something awful, then _go to bed_.”

“May–”

“Nope. Let the police do the job I pay taxes for them to do. Eat, rest, heal. If you all want to hang out on the roof, ok. But this is a marathon, Peter, not a sprint. Or a relay and this isn’t your time with the baton. Whatever. You hear me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You think the pun on _tertium quid_ is obscure and awful? You ain't seen nothin' yet ... hee hee.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter & MJ hang out and have Big Life Discussions. Peter attempts kindness and flirting via terrible, terrible pun. MJ is about as impressed as you'd expect.

“Is Ned ok?” He was quiet at dinner and went home after only two more episodes of _Invader Zim_.

Peter settles into the web-hammock and leans back against you. “Not as Zen about breaking up as he pretends.”

You bend your legs around him to bring your feet into his lap. “Hip ok?”

“All healed.” He works your boots off and sets them out of the way.

You run your hands through his hair. “Betty’s having some feelings too.”

“Should we …”

“No.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” He digs his thumbs into your arches; you sigh. “Things got kind of intense for them in Prague.”

You snort.

“No, I mean after. In the hotel. He said they, ah …”

“Yeah, Betty told me.”

“He was hoping I had a condom, or knew how to get one. When he showed up in our – in my room, after I, uh, accidentally half-stripped for you –”

You scritch your fingernails lightly on his scalp. He shivers and shifts his hips. “I love that you think of that as _our_ _room_ and _half-stripping for me_ instead of, I dunno, frantically changing into your suit to deal with Mysterio. Also, I know, we talked after you bailed. I showed him the stash in the bathroom.”

“There were condoms in there? Man, that’s twice now, I _have_ to start upping my investigations of fancy hotel rooms.”

“This is why you’re the superhero and I’m the one who figures things out. Speaking of: I want to learn from their mistakes.”

He twists half around long enough to raise an eyebrow at you. “Sex-shaming?” Always protective of Ned.

“No – Betty said he was really sweet, and after almost dying they just – um. Actually she said the second she got her door shut behind him she asked if she could take his bathrobe off. Then she turned really red.” You half-laugh. “If we’d had a hotel room right off the Tower Bridge … eh, who am I kidding, I’d’ve chickened out.” He snickers and squeezes your foot affectionately. “They were just too _much_ , you know? Betty said she felt like she was drowning in syrup and she didn’t know how to stop except to _really_ stop.”

Peter makes webbing between his hands and pulls it tight, hands barely an inch apart; you nod. He rolls the webbing into a ball and tosses it into a corner. “Ned’s flipping between missing her so much he can hardly talk about it, and being grateful for what they had but relieved they’re not jinxing themselves every thirty seconds.”

You put your hands over his, lacing your fingers together. “I shouldn’t’ve called them ‘sentimental and corruptible’ the other night. I just meant … I want us to last.” You sigh, fiddling with his fingers. He squeezes back gently. “ _We_ could get too … too stuck … too. I’m trying to accept all of you, but I can’t get pulled into nothing but worrying about you and dealing with this identity-reveal crap and everything else that goes with Spider-Man.”

He kisses your fingers. “Don’t forget wheedling me into web-swinging every chance you get. It’s not _all_ worrying.”

“Wheedling y– oh my god, loser, who gave me an entire Humane Society’s worth of puppy-dog eyes to get me to try web-swinging again?” You tickle his ribs, but he flattens his hands over yours to keep your fingers still. _Okay, new game._ You stop trying to get your hands free and press them into him, tighten your legs around him, hold him close and let him feel you existing and breathing and heart-beating at him. _Let’s see how those super-senses like **this**_.

It’s not long before his hands relax, though he keeps them on yours. He swallows. “I can feel your pulse everywhere you’re touching me.”

You slowly slide your hands onto his chest, but stop below his nipples, remembering his gasps when you went there the other afternoon. Even through his shirt, that had gotten _oh god – MJ – **MJ**_ and then _better not – yet_ … _but … when we’re ready … **please** …_ “Between worrying about you and swinging with you and, um, exploring … it would be so easy to spend all my time and energy on you, but … if I do that, we won’t last. I was _me_ before us, and I can either figure out how to be me _with_ you, or else I’ll have to be me _after_ you.” You tighten your arms around him. “And I really, really like you, so how to be me-with-you is on my mind, so … that’s why I’m talking about Ned and Betty.”

He breathes out a laugh. “You had me totally distracted from them.” You lean back into the hammock, and he relaxes against you. “I don’t want this to be fleeting either. I could get lost in you too. In us.” He sighs. “I can relax and let the world fade with you like nobody else, and that’s great, but my mental health shouldn’t be on you. If we both have to figure out how to do our _me_ s together, maybe some of the figuring out can be together too.”

You go back to playing with his hair. “Did you call the counselor?”

“Yeah, but not yours – Clint recommended someone who’s worked with a lot of Avengers and Inhumans.”

“That’s cool. I didn’t think you two were that close.”

“He texted me yesterday. ‘Welcome home, sounds like Europe sucked, next time ASK FOR HELP YOU DUMBASS KID, why do you think we all gave you our numbers, this life fucks you up bad enough without trying to go it alone, I got a guy you’re gonna talk to, he helped me come back from some dark places and he’ll help you not go there, IF you’re smart enough to talk to him before it gets bad.’”

“Wow. So that’s what it’s like to get reamed by an Avenger.”

He sighs. “Said he didn’t have Natasha anymore to yank him out of the dark and drag him to Sam, and Sam’s so busy being Captain now anyway, and he knew I didn’t have Mr. Stark.” He shrugs. “We’re all trying to make up for what the others have lost. Sam’s texting me way more than he used to, just random memes, and I’ve been sending Dr. Banner more fun science stuff … Bucky sends me a cookie recipe once a week except the last one was goat’s-milk cheesecake which is apparently a thing? … I send Wanda puns and she’s teaching me Sokovian swear words…”

“I never knew her, but I had such a crush on Black Widow.”

“Who didn’t? I know she knew about it – mine –”

“Of course she did, you’re so obvious –”

“Shut up!” He’s laughing. Good.

“Does Black Panther know you –”

“Shut _up_! Oh my god I can never introduce you to _any_ of them!”

“It’d be just like May, they’d love me more.”

“Yeah, what _were_ you two talking about while I was in the shower? You got some kind of … astronomy cow … thing … going on with my aunt?”

“Mm, you don’t get to know about that yet. That’s a me and her thing. Actually me, but she might get to be part of it.”

He sits up suddenly. “Oh! We brought your sketchbook –” He swings his legs out of the hammock, then stops. “Uh – unless you really want me not to be part of it – this is just a random funny –”

You nudge him the rest of the way out. “Show me your funny, dork.”

He grabs the sketchbook, a pencil, and a granola bar from his backpack and resettles himself. You appropriate the sketchbook, find a blank page past drawings you’re not ready to show him yet and hand it back. He props his legs up and hands you part of the granola bar. “Close your eyes and gimme a few, I can’t draw very well.”

You shut your eyes. “Queer Tango Collective meets every third Saturday of the month, beginners welcome.”

The pencil scratches across the page. “I’d love to, but we should ask them first. I’m kind of a risk, now …” The pencil stops. “Sorry. Don’t mean to sound bitter.”

Fucking Mysterio. You sigh and kiss the top of Peter’s head. “If you’re bitter, I’m gonna blame somebody all right, but not you.”

The pencil starts moving again. A dissatisfied grunt. Sounds of erasing, then more drawing. “Even aside from that … I’m not sure I should be there. I mean, I’ve stared at plenty of guys, but I’ve never even had a serious crush on one, you know? Much less done anything. I just don’t know if I’m … enough. Queer enough. Bi enough. Something. I mean, am I even anything? Maybe I’m just straight but confused.” He adds quietly, “I envy you for being so sure.”

You kiss his head again. “You don’t have to have _done_ anything, Peter. You’re enough. Whatever you are. I mean, there’s days when I question whether I’m a woman –”

He chokes, but recovers quickly. “Sorry, uh, wasn’t expecting that.” You feel little movements in his arm, but there’s no sound of pencil on paper. More like he’s flipping the pencil around and around.

Is his silence really dragging, or is it just you? Your heartrate goes up –

He squeezes your knee. “MJ, I’m gonna l- uh, really like –” He stops. Takes a breath. “I’m gonna _love_ you no matter what you figure out about that. And – thank you. For what you said for me, and for telling me – trusting me –”

You weren’t expecting to feel tears prickling your eyes. You hadn’t been expecting to talk about this at all yet, if ever. You curl forward, tightening your arms around him, bending down to bury your face in the side of his neck, and just breathe the scent of his skin.

He kisses your temple, then tilts his head to give you enough space. “No peeking!”

You feel his shoulder moving under your cheek as he gets back to drawing. “Boh, you could hear if I’d opened my eyes.”

“Right next to my ear like that, yeah.”

Now that you’ve brought it up, it’s a relief to get it out. “I’m uh, I don’t know where I’m going with this? Some days I feel like, _I_ define _woman_ , whatever stereotypes people put on that aren’t my problem, I’m proud of who I am, I’m continuing this long line from my mom and her mother and her mother and I’m so grateful – ‘I’m my ancestors’ wildest dreams,’ you know? Other days I’m like, how would I even define _woman_ in a way that wouldn’t just piss me off for its assumptions and exclusions? I get so over this gender-binary shit I can’t even. But the only thing I’m totally sure of about my gender is I’m not a guy – so doesn’t that mean I do think the gender binary is a thing? Am I really not a woman or am I just angry at sexism and misogyny? Am I refusing to be stuffed into a box that doesn’t fit or am I letting internalized misogyny make me reject a truth I should be proud of? I don’t need to change my body, but I guess not everybody who doesn’t match their assigned gender does? And I go around and around until I decide I’m not dealing with it anymore.”

He stopped drawing again partway through your brain-dump. You feel his hand on your hair, stroking gently. “Sounds exhausting. I don’t know the answers, or what questions to ask to help you, but I’ll listen to whatever you need to say. Have you talked about it with your counselor?” He laughs softly. “You’re always so self-contained. Hearing you this unsure – I don’t _want_ you to be stressed, but, um, it’s kind of a relief to know I’m not the only one struggling with who I am. I’m … flattered? Honored. That you’re letting me see.”

You snort. “Do you even remember how nervous I was trying to lie about liking you? Or when I finally admitted it? And I haven’t talked to her yet – just you –” You shrug. “Maybe eventually.”

He kisses your temple again. “You ready for funny? You sound like you could use funny.”

You lift your head and open your eyes. “Funny me.”

He holds the sketchbook so you can see. He’s drawn a graph. The x axis is labeled “bovine food remaining in feeding trough,” except the first three letters are written larger and look like “B – V.” The y axis is labeled “willingness of cows to follow cattle thief offering food.” Every “data point” is a tiny cow. The cows start in the upper left corner – little food left, high willingness to follow thief – and mostly meander down and to the right, becoming less willing to follow the thief the more food they have left. A sizeable splotch of cows remains willing to follow the thief regardless, labeled “Giant cows! Always hungry.” A smattering of cows live down in the lower left corner: “Dwarf cows! Always full.”

“Mmhmm.”

He uncovers the graph’s title: “Ta-da! The Herdsprung-Rustle diagram!”

“Mmmm … hmm.”

“It’s an astronomy-cow pun? Like a Hertzsprung-Russell diagram? Herds? And cattle rustlers?”

“Uh huh.”

“I could draw a big cow like a constellation and label it Moorsa Major?”

Side-eye.

“Uh, so! There’s another girl in my life! And I swing her, and she loves it. And I’m, uh, gonna see her this weekend. And probably every weekend this summer? And we love each other and she’ll definitely be in my life long-term? And her mother thinks I’m wonderful?”

You take the sketchbook and drop it carefully atop the backpack. “Trying to distract me from the massive fail of your funny? Didn’t work. Also, don’t try to make me jealous, I have enough drama with all this fake-monster and superhero-boyfriend nonsense. But if you gotta try, you’ll have to _actually_ _be untrustworthy_.” You tilt your head. “See, since I trust you, I can skip the freak-out and figure out you mean … Morgan Stark.”

His jaw drops. “No way! How do you do that?”

“You flaunted it; there’s only one girl you could say those things about and yet be sure I wouldn’t be jealous; and you were just telling me you’re all trying to make up for who’s lost, and you only mentioned her mother …”

He sighs. “Sheesh, I should just get Karen to print all my thoughts on the outside of my – what, no, Karen, I was joking, don’t – hey, wait, ‘superhero-boyfriend nonsense’? _Nonsense_?”

“Who’s Karen?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Herdsprung-Rustle diagram may be the most convoluted, obscure, awful pun I have ever done, and that is saying a lot. I feel very proud. Peter is _such_ a dork. (MJ won't stop giving both of us utterly disgusted looks.) Here's an actual [Hertzsprung-Russell diagram](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hertzsprung%E2%80%93Russell_diagram#/media/File:HRDiagram.png) for my fellow astronomy enthusiasts.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MJ & Peter have a bit more Big Life Discussion, meet a maybe-not-so-mysterious stranger on the way home, and learn valuable lessons about AI and kittens.

“Uh, didn’t I tell you? My suit has an AI.”

“Your – there’s an AI listening to us _all the time_? Gah, Parker, you couldn’t have said?” Your voice rises and tightens. “There’s a lot of things I wouldn’t have done or said if –” You made your dad get rid of Alexa and Siri after London, and you’ve been working your way through all the household appliances’ specs, which has _not_ helped you feel safe – why does a famously hackable thermostat need a camera and microphone, seriously! Do manufacturers not consider that someday their clients might be targeted by bad guys whose schtick is stealing super-AIs?

He scoots himself around in the hammock to face you. “I’m sorry, MJ. Um, Karen only listens when I talk to her.”

“Yeah, really? We’ve never heard _that_ about voice-controlled AI before. She obviously just heard something when you _weren’t_ talking to her.” Your skin crawls as you remember every disclosure and intimacy over the last few days. “And we’ve never heard of data breaches or people gaining access to Stark AI and using it to hurt you!” 

Peter winces. “The thing with EDITH was my bad judgment – she didn’t get hacked. Karen runs self-diagnostics constantly, and Ned and FRIDAY check her. EDITH’s locked out ’til we’re satisfied Mysterio didn’t install any back doors.” He spreads his hands. “No promises ’cause that’d guarantee we meet a demon from the computer dimension–”

“The computer dimension? Is that a thing?”

“Uh, not that I know of?” He scratches the back of his neck. “She only wakes for her name or sudden stress or if we’re patrolling.” He hesitates, then says clearly, “Karen. Turn all monitoring and recording off and go to sleep ... OK, she’s off.”

“Are you sure?”

A flash of exasperation crosses his face, followed by repentance. “When you turn your phone’s location services off, are you sure it’s off? When you tap its hang-up icon, are you sure it hangs up? She’s not Alexa; I know exactly what data’s taken and where it goes, how it’s used and how long it’s kept, and I can delete any of it. She was constantly recording when Tony first gave me the suit, but that protocol’s gone, Ned and I made real sure. We can show you exactly how it works, but it’s like anything, you have to decide when to trust. Tony built this for me, and I trust Ned and my own abilities, and Karen’s a lifesaver.” He blushes. “I, uh, in the shower today ... there are times I also want to be _sure_ Karen isn’t awake or recording, ok? As long as I’m the one initiating it, _remove_ turns her off by default.”

“Was she – uh – the other afternoon –”

“I turned her off when I got home. I, uh, hoped there’d be reason to… I should have told you about her then.”

You sigh and tap your fingers on your legs. “Turn her back on.”

“You sure?”

“I don’t like it, but we’re not in your apartment surrounded by security. Turn her back on.”

He does. “Karen, if I’m incapacitated or unable to communicate, allow MJ to communicate with you and use the suit.”

You open your mouth to say _What!?_ but stop. If you’re around for circumstances like that … you rub your forehead tiredly. Enough superhero-boyfriend nonsense for one evening. “I’m going home. I’m tired – we’re both tired.”

He holds up a finger: _wait_. “Karen, text MJ so she can communicate with you directly, tell her my location and medical condition any time she asks, and put her on the emergency notification list. Er – is that ok, MJ? Or is it getting pulled in too much?”

Your phone buzzes. _This is Karen. Hi, MJ._

You shake your head. “No, thank you. It’ll help me not worry, actually.”

“Want me to swing you home?”

“Too tired. Wouldn’t mind an escort, though. You can tell me about _the other girl_.”

He smiles fondly as you make ready to leave. “Not gonna introduce you to Morgan yet – she might be jealous and she needs stability right now – but you two are gonna forget me once you get to know each other. She likes me to web her to my lap so we can hang out upside down on the ceiling and read to each other. I can do _Where’s My Cow?_ and _The Book With No Pictures_ with my eyes closed, and she’s getting pretty good at _Dinosaur vs. Santa_ , you should hear her do the voices.” He giggled. “Pepper doesn’t let Dr. Banner and me play catch with her anymore though.”

“What, did you throw a ball at her too hard?”

“Nnnnnooooo … she was the ball …” He looks moderately guilty. “She loved it, but Pepper yelled at us ’cause fifty feet was ‘too high.’ Made us stop playing slingshot and trampoline with her too …”

“You used a little kid as a trampoline??”

“No! No! I made one out of webbing – the slingshot too – Dr. Banner only has to bounce once and she goes _really_ high … Wanda and I were both ready to catch her if she hadn’t come straight back down to him, and Sam had his wings on, and Scott was ready to get big, but, um, Pepper was still pretty mad.”

“Have you read her _Rosie Revere, Engineer_ and _Ada Twist, Scientist_? Might go over well with a kid of Tony’s.”

He looks surprised. “When do you have time to know kids’ books in between Black history and political analysis?”

Oops. “I’m just that awesome.” You expect Peter to notice that’s a diversion, but he’s stopped cold in the middle of the sidewalk, staring open-mouthed at a huge mural on the building opposite you.

QUEENS KNOWS SPIDER-MAN.  
QUEENS ♥ SPIDER-MAN.  
WE GOT YOU PETER.

Oh. Wow.

He reaches out blindly for your hand; you slip your arm around his waist and hug him tightly.

 _Flash._ From the alley next to the mural, across the street.

Fuck. Of course some paparazzo hoped if they were patient they could get a reaction shot. Why didn’t Peter sense –

By the time you flinch, Peter’s stepped between you and the street and four passers-by have surrounded the photographer.

“So, you’ve taken pictures you shouldn’t have.” Something about that intonation –

“Hey, what – get your hands off me!”

“Son, we’re just trying to assist you with your camera. Gosh, so complicated! Look at all those buttons, that must be so hard, you’re lucky we found you. See, here’s how’s you review pictures, and look, the delete button is right here.”

“I’m not gonna –”

Peter half-steps towards them, obviously thinking he should intervene – so help you if he apologizes to the paparazzo – you tighten your arm around him and mutter very quietly, “Stay. _Here_.” He fidgets but stays.

“No? OK, I’ll take care of it for you. Ouch, son, that wasn’t very nice, can you three please make sure he doesn’t accidentally kick me again? Not very civic-minded of you. Oh, look at all these pictures of Peter. Are you some kind of stalker, or are you in cahoots with one? You do know he’s a minor, right? This is _really_ inappropriate. I’ll have to press the delete button a whole bunch.”

Peter’s stopped fidgeting and is cocking his head.

“First Amendment –”

“Glad you brought that up, I do love our great country’s laws! I bet you can’t quote it, can you? … No? ‘Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press’ – I do encourage you to look the rest of it up on your own time. Are you familiar with the wonders of the Internet? It’s dandy!”

Peter’s staring across the street intently, muttering; all you make out is “Karen, compare…”

“Fuck y–”

“Language, son, please! We’re not done helping you with your camera or your abysmal ignorance! Even if you claim you’re press, we’re not Congress. Or from the government at all, are we? Not these days. Ah, all done, here’s your camera back, undamaged, I’ll just hang it around your neck. Hold him a moment – here – I’m going to take _your_ picture now, do you mind? Oh, you do? Well, you don’t really have a leg to stand on, do you? Morally speaking. We’ll just put this up so everyone around here knows you, so if you come by again we’re ready to help you with your camera. We’re a very close-knit and helpful community, we watch out for our own, there we go, thank you, looks just like you. Now my new friends here are going to help you get safely out of the neighborhood, do have a pleasant evening, and don’t forget to educate yourself about our Constitution and Bill of Rights!”

The other passers-by escort the photographer away. He doesn’t fight. The talkative one, who does look rather old, turns to you slowly, tips his hat politely, and – _winks_ at Peter? Then he heads up the street, whistling, not hurrying.

You glance at Peter, who’s staring at the old man’s back as though he can develop telepathy if he squints hard enough. “MJ, will you –” He glances all around. “Will you wait here? I want to – to thank him.”

You roll your eyes. “Obviously it’s more than that, but I’m down to skip further superhero-boyfriend nonsense tonight.”

“I’m pretty sure he’s not dangerous – uh – to us – I just – uh – this might be something I can’t tell you about? Trust me? Please?”

Hm. He actually sounds serious. “One minute, then I’m walking on, I am seriously tired.”

Peter promptly takes off after the old man. They keep their conversation quiet. Peter’s body language doesn’t fit a simple thank-you: hesitant, but intense; then half-unbelieving, clapping his hands over his mouth; then barely restraining himself from flinging his arms around the old man. What the hell?

They speak a few more words, Peter nodding eagerly, then shake hands. Not just a business-like shake, but one of those with both hands, hanging on and clasping and patting each other’s hands like dear friends. The old man laughs, finally, and gives Peter a rough hug, then shoves him gently back in your direction and tips his hat again to you. Peter’s wiping away tears as he walks back, but smiling hugely.

You raise an eyebrow.

He hasn’t looked this simply joyful since the night you swung around the Stark facility. “I can’t tell you. Not yet – I don’t know if – I want to but I have to talk to him more – but it’s good, MJ, it’s so good!” He looks at the mural again, back to the old man who’s now nearly out of sight, then back to you. You're never going to get tired of that smile.

He grabs your hand and you keep walking – well, _you_ walk. He practically skips. He keeps twirling around you, or swinging around a lamp-post or bouncing a few feet up a wall and flipping off, but he always comes back to take your hand again. It’s late enough that the sidewalk isn’t crowded, but you get a lot of smiles. He’s even singing – something bouncy about seagulls and coconuts complete with adorkable little dance moves – you’re _not_ asking.

Eventually he calms down. Then he starts fidgeting with your hand and biting his lower lip. After half a block of this you say, “Spit it out.”

“What?”

“Spider-Dork, I am too tired to mind-read. What are you tempted-but-nervous about? Asking me to sleep over?”

He trips over a crack in the sidewalk and nearly pulls you both down. “What – how do you even – Karen, how does she _do_ that?”

Your phone buzzes with a series of texts from the number you haven’t yet responded to.

_I haven’t been listening to your conversation. What did you mean by ‘that’?_  
_Should I pay more attention to private conversations, or record a running sixty-second window to review when you wake me up?_  
_I’m copying my responses to MJ. I think she’d rather be included in conversations about the privacy protocol._

You grin. Perhaps you and Karen can come to an understanding.

“Can I talk out loud to her? Or do I have to text back?”

“Oh, god, no, you two do _not_ get to gang up on me.”

_I can hear you. If it gets noisier, speak up or text._

“Well, Karen, he just gets shocked when I guess what he’s thinking. I bet _you_ can figure out how I do it.”

_Close observation of vocal tone, hesitations, word choice and body language, plus contextual knowledge._  
_I do the same._  
_Many of these characteristics have a higher signal-to-noise ratio in Peter’s communication than the average in my reference database._  
_Perhaps we could compare observations._  
_My learning algorithms are quite advanced, but another expert viewpoint might enhance my processing._

“Oh god, oh god, what have I done?”

“Asked her to weigh in on exactly this. She’s just saying you’re obvious.”

“I _know_ what she’s – thank you, Karen, don’t change the privacy protocol, we can talk about it later, for now will you please go back to it?” He mutters something darkly.

“So … you were seriously gonna ask me to sleep over? ’Cause I was just messing with you.”

“I started to think about it when you were telling me –” He lowers his voice. “About your gender – I don’t mean to act like it’s shameful, you were just clear it was private – anyway I wanted you to fall asleep getting held so you’d feel safe and accepted and loved. There’s times I miss Ben or Tony so bad I can’t sleep, May comes in and rubs my back or sits there with her hand on my shoulder. And I know the reveal about, uh, my suit AI creeped you out so I wanted to make up for that.” He smiles, a little shy. “Also it might help me relax too, it sounds _so_ nice, and this evening has turned out so awesome I don’t want it to end … umm …” He finishes in a rush, “And I took my clothes off for you twice today and even though there were other reasons now that everything’s stopped hurting I can’t stop thinking about it and I, uh … maybe you _shouldn’t_ sleep over. I’d respect our boundaries, it would just be, uh …”

“Hard? C’mon, dork, it doesn’t take advanced learning algorithms to finish _that_ joke.” He grins. You pull him into the lobby of your building. “C’mere.” There probably isn’t anywhere outside your apartment not covered by security cameras, but at least the lobby’s empty of actual people. You put your arms around his shoulders, let him slide his around your waist, and hold him, murmuring into his hair. “I’d love to fall asleep spooning. I love _all_ your reasons. But I’ve let down a lot of barriers with you this week. I need to recharge. Curl up alone with a book, flip off anyone who disturbs me, and not take any emotional risks for twenty-four hours. It will happen. Just not tonight.”

“Okay.” He rests his head on your shoulder. “Can I snuggle you for a minute before I go?”

“I’m telling the whole world you’re secretly a kitten.”

“Okay.”

“I’m changing your name in my phone to Spider-Kitten.”

“Okay.”

“I’m telling Karen to hack into your nanite protocols so next time they form the suit it’s got kittens all over it.”

“Okay.”

“I’m publishing an open letter to supervillains called ‘Top Ten Ways to Lure Spider-Kitten to His Doom’ and all ten will be ‘kittens.’”

“O- hey, no, kittens might get hurt.”

“Thank you for not being all drama-angsty that I’m not coming over tonight.”

He smiles against your neck. “Oh noes, maybe she doesn’t really like me, waily waily, what have I done, oh noes, I must make it all about my feeeeeeeeelings so she has to come over to make me feeeeel better.”

“Boh.” He snickers. You nudge his head up with your shoulder. “Kissing is up here, Spider-Kitten.” You take your time.

Eventually he pulls back and sighs happily. “That was a ‘relax and go to sleep’ kiss, wasn’t it?”

“Seemed kinder than a ‘get you so bothered you swing face-first into a building on the way home’ kiss.”

“Those are a thing? Wow. I feel like it would be worth it just to find out what one of those is like.”

You grin and push him towards the door. “Go. Get home, knock on May’s wall, text me, go to sleep.”

* * *

_ksjdfhskjf_

_uh_

_you broke karen_

_??_

_sending you a log file_  
_bc she says if i dont she will_  
_“it will be good for you emotionally”_  
_< <ohgodwhy.txt autodisplay = true>>_  
_gestural_input [clothes2suit; web(right)]_  
_reconfig suit_pattern = kittens_  
_reconfig_auth = voice(“okay”, ID = Peter_Parker, duress = false)_  
_initiate clothes2suit_  
_initiate web(right, config = default)_  
_audio_input = voice(words = [null], nonword = screaming, ID = Peter_Parker)_  
_run medcheck_  
_medcheck_result_summary = [injuries(none), vitals(HR, BP elevated)]_  
_run threatcheck_  
_threatcheck_result = none_  
_audio_input = voice(“karen what the f”, ID = Peter_Parker)_  
_audio_input = environmental(collision)_  
_pressure_input = suit(sectors = all_ventral)_

_can humans pull muscles laughing bc i just did_

_i hate you_

_i love karen_

_i made her fix it_

_< <dailybugle.net: Spider-Man Tries to Escape Consequences with New Kitten Look.png>>_  
_< <youtube.com: kitten-spider-man faceplants side of building wtf>>_  
_not fast enough_  
_i love the internet_  
_you ok?_

_IM FINE_  
_THANK YOU FOR ASKING_  
_imma sleep now_  
_ALONE_  
_got the building to the face didnt even get the kiss first :(((_

_imma text karen_  
_ask her to make your suit soft and furry_  
_like a kitten_  
_you could cuddle it_

_ljdsjhakj i wanna be like i hate you but that actually sounds oh wait_  
_yes found my hello kitty pjs_  
_from tony v fuzzy_

_…do you have any OTHER deep secrets I need to know_

_no i think thats it_

_goodnight spider-kitten_

_i hate you_

_no you dont_

_no i dont_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Seagulls and coconuts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9t-slLl30E): Yeah, it’d be like eight years old by the time of this story, but c’mon, you know our Star Wars nerd would be into it. May was probably like “Peter you have to see this!” and started singing and dancing along and wouldn’t stop til he did too, and it’s been A Thing ever since.
> 
> EDITH getting stolen because Peter trusted Mysterio, not because she got hacked from the outside: so does that make Mysterio’s helmet a phish bowl? (This went through Peter’s mind but he had the sense for once to stay on topic and avoid the bad pun lure. I, however, cannot resist bad pun lures.)
> 
> So I was a little ticked at the ending our not-so-mysterious stranger got in AE; if you were too, [I tried to fix it](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21784936), let me know what you think.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Parts of this chapter will be much better if you’re familiar with Janelle Monáe’s [Make Me Feel](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGRzz0oqgUE).
> 
> MJ spends the day with books. Of course there is texting. (I spared all of us the pain of italicizing the entire thing.)

imma get an iud

you  
what  
wow ok yes?  
i mean your body so of course  
i thought you were on emotional risk hiatus

re-reading of human bondage  
got pissed at slut-shaming mildred  
theyre good for 5 yrs  
so true were not rushing  
but it aint gonna be 5 yrs

asdkjh just almost faceplanted another building  
omg the suit hides NOTHING  
imma just…crouch on this roof a couple minutes nbd  


told you id tell you when ;p  
kinda nervous tbh  
my mom keeps alternating btw “I promise the worst pain only lasts like 30 seconds”  
“it starts hurting a lot less the instant they’re done”  
“goes down to like just a really bad period right away”  
“but in a few hours it’s not that bad”  
“by the next day or so it’s nearly fine”  
“ill go with you you can grab my wrist as tight as you need to”  
“ill help you walk out to the car after”  
“you can spend the afternoon on the couch”  
“ill make you pineapple-basil granita”  
and “TOTALLY WORTH IT THO”  
“I BASICALLY DONT NOTICE MY PERIODS NOW”  
thanks mom kinda freakin me out here

um wow i had no idea  
i will totally wear condoms  
i dont want you doing a hurting thing cause you felt pressured  
oh wow bet i could make my suit nanites make a condom

yeah but you don’t wanna be throwing those away  
the nanites i mean  
(also spider-kittens couldnt pressure me if they tried)  
(tho I appreciate theyre trying not to)

self-cleaning

NO DETAILS  
still tho condoms have a higher failure rate

if imma design a self-deploying nanite condom imma definitely solve that problem

so white boy with the $$$uit  
you gonna design condoms only you can use  
or you gonna make this accessible  
cheap, lotsa anatomical variations  


yeah youre right  
ok new lab design project for this summer

matching skin tone, clear or neon rainbow : )  
while youre at it  
design self-deploying iud  
nanites in a tampon applicator kind of thing  
shouldn’t hurt  
wont take trained personnel to insert  
so faster cheaper better  
also ignorable periods would be nice if that worked  
better use of tech and r&d time than fancier pew-pew

can’t decide if i love you more for your practical mind  
and pushing me to think bigger and better  
or for calling tonys life work fancier pew-pew

pushing you to think bigger and better?  
counting balance of ideas here  
you: nanite condoms (1)  
me: like 10  
…

damn ok sorry you’re right  
imma tell pepper your name is on all the patents  
and first on the iud ones  
um it would have been really funny  
to see tonys face if he heard the fancier pew-pew thing  
ok now im imagining how a conversation btw you two would go  
askjhladhjdf  
crap i miss him but im still giggling

sneezing iron socks wouldve hurt i bet  
fyi I could have pwned daddy warbucks  
but if you ever pull any more “I love when you [cutesy reframing of a badass thing I did]” shit  
…

i see your … and i am determined to never make you fill it in  
um pls no more ‘daddy warbucks’ tho  
i mean i get it and the burn on tony ok fair  
but the orphan thing for me isnt a joke

FUCK IM SORRY  
was only aiming that at tony  
wasnt thinking of the rest at all  
really sorry

sokay i know you didnt mean it like that  
anyway  
was gonna offer to go with you for the iud insertion  
let you grab MY wrist  
seemed only fair  
plus if i took care of you all afternoon maybe id get pineapple basil granita too ; )  
but if you can wait for design and testing…?  
can we work together on it  
I know nano engineering/programming isnt your thing  
but the ideas are yours

i wouldve wanted you there but hello paparazzi magnet  
would not end well  
“spidermans girlfriend arrested for cutting a bitch at planned parenthood”  
“michelle jones arrested for jailbreak + cutting headline writer who reduced her to SMGF”  
and yeah you put in all the hours working out the details  
i will consult

ok  
you know iud doesnt protect vs STIs

yes spidersplainer  
if i ever do someone sexually riskier than my previously-virgin highly trustworthy bf  
by that time the nanodom should be ready

ok no  
because thats either a nanoscale condom  
or a lego figure with a riding crop

wow i know what im getting you for your birthday  
ok back on emotional risk hiatus now  
and a different book  
no disturbing!

* * *

binders

yes ok sure what

you must have figured out strength vs stretch  
in your webs  
i saw your secret messes in chem class  
by which i mean the drawer with your splody beaker

IT NEVER EXPLODED

mm

much

anyway i know you can make webs with a sticky end  
but not sticky all along em  
otherwise the hammocks would be a disaster  
so: better binders  
disposable, disappear in 8-10 hrs  
another patent for me  
ok back to homegoing

* * *

prosthetics that mold themselves to the stump  
replacement organs that self-assemble in situ  
self-assembling tailpipe filters so i can spend my afternoons tagging cars  
tagging big-ass factory chimneys will be your job  
ok back to difficult women

* * *

pepper wants to offer you an internship can I give her your number

nah im good

youre saying no to a stark internship????? O_O x_x

ideas = me, hours in lab wrangling details = you  
tho tell her we should have lunch  
i wanna talk about diversity in their supply chain  
employment conditions  
minimizing environmental impact of making all this stuff

tomorrow ok?

yep  
ok back to land where other people live

* * *

sorry to disturb, know i might get flipped off but  
realized i should have asked earlier: binders?  
is that a thing you want? i mean for you  
cause you know i wanna support you  
PUN INTENDED NOTSORRYNOTSORRY  
uh wait unless this is emotional risk territory  
k sorry never mind

no its fine spiderkitten  
was just washing my hands nbd  
and: i don’t think so?  
i dunno vaguely curious might try one sometime  
but whatever my gender mess is its in my head not my body  
im actually fine with my body  
thank you for asking tho : )  
ok back to hidden figures

oh yeah janelle monáe was really good in that

she was but i mean the book

you read so much  
youre so cool  
THATS JUST THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL  
now thats gonna be stuck in my head all afternoon

* * *

lmao  
<<youtube.com: Spider-Man Feels “Powerful With A Little Bit Of Tender” Webbing Mugger To Wall>>

IT WAS STUCK IN MY HEAD OK

you can actually kinda sing  
who knew

only for you

me and everybody else with an internet connection

ugh i hate my life

no you dont

no i dont : )

hmm

you hmming makes me nervous

#isspidermanbi is trending

uh  
welp  
guess i do suck at keeping secrets  
no wait no i dont i dont even know what i am  
secret even from me  
ugh cant come out if i dunno what im coming out as

well claim bi or pan if it feels right  
or fluid or queer or ‘i hate labels’  
plenty of ppl come out that way  
or dont come out at all if youre not ready

feel like i should tho? pretty sure straight isnt it  
ned doesnt stare at guys like i do  
huh though he did kinda have a thing about how hulk smells

brain bleach  
BRAIN BLEACH

* * *

karen  
do i have to text your name to wake you up?

Hi, MJ. No, I’ll always notice when you call or text.

ok cool  
can you change what peters suit looks like again

Not without his permission.

ok tell him you want to make it look like janelles pants in Make Me Feel  
the ones with the back pocket  
can you let me know how that goes?

<<audio file WHATNOKARENDONTMAKEMYSUITSEETHROUGH send_auth = voice(“oh fine”, ID = Peter_Parker, duress=false)>>  
Interesting. When I made the suggestion, his heart-rate went up rapidly.  
And as you can hear, his vocal pitch and loudness indicated sudden panic.  
But now he’s smiling, and his heart-rate and blood pressure are lower than before.

* * *

you put karen up to that

baby don’t make me spell it out for you

omg sfjadhgfjf

* * *

karen are you conscious?  
bc i am super uncomfy with peter having a slave in his suit

I am not.  
I use “I” for efficiency and because Peter responds better to a perceived personality.  
But Mr. Stark became leery of designing actual consciousness into AIs.

so do you have a gender?

No.

so stark made a genderless, non-conscious AI  
to assist, encourage and comfort peter  
and gave it a female-presenting voice?  
of course he did

Peter responds well to my voice.  
His trust is essential to his optimal use of the suit, which is ideal for both his effectiveness and his safety.

yeah but perpetuates “women in support roles”

I have seen little evidence that Peter conceives of women primarily in supporting roles.

he support-roled me earlier  
didn’t even realize til i called him on it  
to be fair he doesnt do that kind of thing often  
hes usually super respectful

He greatly admires his aunt, Ms. Potts, Ms. Maximoff, Captain Danvers and Shuri, for example.  
He respected and liked Ms. Romanov and learned well from her.  
I don’t see a pattern in him of discomfort with or resentment of women who have power, authority or competence.

yeah ok true  
im just kinda on edge about it  
the whole respect and power and misogyny thing  
bc of the dating thing  
esp dating a superhero when im not  
theres a power imbalance there i can never overcome  
i mean i love him but it bugs me  
even if his intentions are good  
hes just always gonna be more  
doesnt help that all societys assumed or historical imbalances go the same way between us  
well except height : )  
id like to forget that shit but  
so tired of feeling like i have something to prove  
waiting for judgment  
and i call him loser and all but  
FUCK  
cant believe i just spilled all this to MY BOYFRIENDS AI

I am not conscious and have no subjectivity to judge you for what you’ve said.  
Is it privacy that concerns you? Are you afraid I’ll reveal this information to Peter?

well yeah  
i mean supervillains  
demons from the computer dimension  
blah blah hacking blah  
but yeah mostly that

My overriding priority is Peter’s well-being.  
His physical safety in the moment, but also his long-term physical and mental health and happiness.  
Your relationship is very good for him – now and I predict in the long term.  
He needs trusting relationships to balance the betrayals and cruelty he’s already seen and will keep seeing.  
Your relationship with him will be impaired if you don’t trust me.  
So I need to earn your trust.  
I can’t promise I’ll never tell him what you’ve divulged.  
But I’d do so only to protect him.

so youll respect my privacy only to serve peter  
and your only interest in me is how our relationship is good for him

I’m describing my constraints, goals and likely decisions as clearly as I can.  
Transparency is the only strategy that could earn and keep your trust.  
I’m not a person.  
I do have a system of ethics including concepts of respect and privacy, but protecting Peter ranks higher.  
If you fear me telling him, tell him yourself.  
Then you’ll have no reason to fear me.  
Consider: how likely is it that no portion of your consciousness knew what you were saying and to whom?

hmm  
good talk

* * *

i know we had this big privacy talk like only an hour ago but  
if hes ever seriously hurt  
and you cant get in touch with me  
or if something happens to me  
then tell him i said i love him  
please

I will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Turns out discussing birth control is a great way to cover power, control, gender equality, respect, desire, trust, parent-teen relationships, tech-development focus on war vs. peace, privilege, accessibility, diversity, privacy, uh, did I forget anything else that’s on MJ’s mind? (Who knew? I have so much fun writing MJ, she keeps going places I don’t expect but she always turns out to be right.)  
> • [If you need more info](https://www.womenshealth.gov/a-z-topics/birth-control-methods)  
> • [If you’re able to be generous](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/get-involved/other-ways-give)
> 
> MJ’s books:  
> • Homegoing, by Yaa Gyasi  
> • Difficult Women, by Roxane Gay  
> • From a Land Where Other People Live, by Audre Lorde  
> • Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of the Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped Win the Space Race, by Margot Lee Shetterly


	6. Chapter 6

You meet Ms. Potts at Tamarind. “Peter said you’d declined the internship. We’ve never had that happen before.” She smiles. “We’ve also never offered one to someone who hadn’t applied.”

You shrug. “I can science with the rest of those dorks at Midtown, but I don’t long to spend my life in a lab.”

“What are you doing at a STEM school, then? Peter said you read a lot and draw really well.”

“Trying to understand the world. School’s hopeless for humanities – we learn about ‘manifest destiny’ but never read _Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee_? Please. But they’re good at STEM.”

“Once you decide where you’re going to college, we’ll fund it.”

You say stiffly, “I don’t want money just because Peter’s my love slave.”

She snorts. “Superhero love slaves, now that’s a mood.” She glances down, smile faltering briefly.

You don’t know her well enough to offer any comfort. You hope your face and posture convey some sort of restrained, respectful sorry-for-your-loss impression. Is this going to be you someday?

Ms. Potts goes on before you have time to dwell. “Listen, plenty of idiots said I only became SI’s CEO because of my relationship with Tony, even though I’d been running everything non-tech for years. I earned a chance and I’ve proven myself ten times over since then. And you – how many people could have led their academic decathlon team to a national championship, figured Spider-Man out, gone after a killer drone armed with nothing but a mace, AND led a grassroots PR effort for a slandered superhero? Then provided enough ideas for Peter’s suit tech to justify multiple probable eventual production lines? We were already chasing some of those ourselves, but you couldn’t have known.”

You take a breath. “Whichever were original to me, I’m only giving you permission to develop them if you meet my conditions.”

Ms. Potts smiles – not condescendingly, more as if she’s just won a mental bet – and raises an eyebrow.

“Either sell at-cost, or use profits in developed nations to fund free or below-cost sales in developing countries. Show me your hiring and compensation practices are equitable, or if white guys are getting more then show me how you’re fixing it. Development has to include planning to minimize environmental impact of production and distribution –”

Ms. Potts holds up a hand to stop you. She’s flat-out grinning. “ _Take the internship_. It wasn’t an offer to intern with Peter under Dr. Banner – he’s taken over –” Another flash of loss, another moving-on. “It’s an internship with _me_. Your first project would be dealing with all these concerns to design an agreement we’re both happy with.”

You raise an eyebrow yourself. “The CEO of Stark Industries has time for an intern? A high-school kid on summer break is going to be dealing with all this for her first intern project? Really?”

“You won’t spend much time with me directly. Rotating stints with mentors in HR, Facilities, Planning, Legal, plus time with Peter and Bruce – we’ll sort out details. But if Tony could find time for Peter, I’ll find time for you. And ‘dealing with’ doesn’t mean ‘in charge of.’ I’m just – look, did Peter ever talk to you about his future with SI?”

“Uh, not in detail. He’s really stressed about trying to take Tony’s place.”

Ms. Potts sighs. “I wish he’d talk to me instead of being afraid he’ll disappoint everyone if he shows a moment of weakness. Bah. Well, I’ll put Bucky on midnight cookie-baking detail again this weekend, that worked last time.”

You blink. “The … Winter Soldier …”

“Dark chocolate chip with ground clove and orange extract. I’ve seen Peter eat two dozen in fifteen minutes. Anyway: between Peter and Morgan, I have a multi-decade supply of potential tech geniuses. But I need people who don’t have their heads buried in R&D to keep an eye on our big picture. We have so much power – I need people who will keep asking how we’re using it. It would be foolish for SI and for you to lock you into a specific future, but an internship and a scholarship is a small investment for us with a potential big payoff.” She shrugs. “Spend a summer with us. You’ve earned that. If you like the kinds of changes you can see yourself making, stick around. If not, you’ll at least have the experience and a recommendation letter from me.”

“Paid.”

“Of course. And to save you asking, yes, the same as Peter.”

“I can only do afternoons.” This isn’t how conversations between a potential high-school intern and a CEO usually go, is it? On those numerous occasions when CEOs talk to interns? “Uh, I already have a morning commitment.”

“We know. Antoine spoke well of you.” She sees your narrowed eyes. “Happy was assessing risk after Mysterio; we weren’t digging.”

Your nostrils flare, but you nod. “Are the kids safe? Do I need to stop working there? Why didn’t you talk to me?”

“We keep an eye on the place. Happy thinks the additional risk there is minimal and manageable. And Antoine insisted we say nothing because he didn’t want you to quit. He said that other than all the kids now calling people dorks, you’ve been a great influence.”

You don’t try to hide your grin. One last hesitation, though. “What happens to the internship or the college funding if Peter and I …” You don’t really want to say it. You just need to know how enmeshed you’re risking getting.

Ms. Potts looks you in the eye. “Nothing. I hope you two are happy together for a long time. But I’ve been the ‘normal’ partner of an Avenger. I’m not going to pressure you about it or retaliate if it’s not in the cards. This is _your_ life and _your_ opportunity. As long as you’re professional at work, by which I mean no snogging in the supply closets if you’re together and no sniping if you’re not, we’re fine.”

You blink. “Snogging in the supply closets?” Hmm. New life goal?

“Steve and B- well, never mind.”

Steve – Captain America, of course. _So, you’ve got detention_ … Wait. _So, you’ve taken pictures you shouldn’t have_ … _civic-minded … in cahoots … our great country’s laws_... You feel your eyes widening and your jaw slowly dropping.

Ms. Potts looks amused. “Grown men _are_ allowed to snog. Consensually. Which they definitely – never mind.”

You nearly blurt out what you just – maybe – realized, but Peter did feel it needed to be really secret. You need to change the subject fast. “I, uh, I know you must still be developing weapons, because Mr. Stark kept upgrading the Iron Man suits. I don’t want to be involved in that.”

Ms. Potts nods slowly. “No problem keeping you out of the fancier pew-pew – thanks for that phrase, I could’ve annoyed Tony with it no end.” She smiles briefly and digs into her chimbori jalwa. “But if you stay with us, someday I’ll ask you to know that part – the business side. To ask those history and philosophy and ethics questions, because if any part of SI needs someone who thinks like that to keep an eye on it, it’s that.”

You’re not sure what to say – _become part of the system that produces weapons, are you kidding me??_ seems obvious, but her seriousness makes that feel too hostile.

She sees your reservations. “Howard Stark built SI to keep the weapons in ‘the right hands.’ Tony shifted our focus reacting to one of the times that went wrong, but most of what he did was for the same reason. If we didn’t have aliens and gods and assholes trying to destroy us every second Tuesday, I’d be a pacifist in a heartbeat. But half of all life in the universe wouldn’t be here now if not for Tony’s work. The weapons made the money that made everything else possible; developing the early weapons let us develop the later weapons; and we can’t stop because we’d be fools to assume the universe is going to leave us alone now.” She sighs. “Both times I killed someone, I was acting both in self-defense and to keep power in the right hands. I wasn’t comfortable with it either time and I’m not now. But keeping my hands clean would’ve meant Tony’s death and power in the _wrong_ hands.”

“I picked up the mace,” you say quietly. “If there’d been anything higher-tech handy, I’d’ve taken it. And if Mysterio had been there when I got to the bridge, if he’d been about to hurt Peter even more, I’d’ve –” You stop. “Peter wouldn’t have though, would he?”

Her smile is twisted – sad, fond, proud. “I don’t know what the right answers are. But turning away from the questions can’t be it.” She puts her fork down and stands. “I have another meeting. Take your time, have dessert, get take-out to share with your bottomless-pit boyfriend, it’s all on me. You’re accepting the internship, this time.”

It’s not a question. You nod anyway, then blink when you realize you didn’t even consider Peter in making your decision.

“Good. We’ll get you the paperwork. For that and the scholarship.” She shakes your hand again with a smile. “Welcome.”

“The ethics of weapons development and control can be my second internship project – say fall semester? Done by Christmas?”

She rolls her eyes and is gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [_Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee: An Indian History of the American West_](https://www.indiebound.org/book/9780805086843), by Dee Brown


	7. Epilogue

Frilly and pink isn’t usually your thing, but Moron #2794 had just condescended to you when the Hollywood Reporter requested a profile on “Spider-Man’s Girlfriend and SI’s next CEO’s Boyfriend” before the tenth-anniversary Stark biopic’s release. You said fine, but only if they put you on the cover in something pink and gossamer with sashes, bows, pointless ruffly bits and blatant boobs and the interview included a comparison of SI’s and Hammer Industries’ ethics, environmental sustainability, employee satisfaction, product ratings and stock price. Pepper grinned and called you her young padawan when you showed her the email.

Take _that_ , Justin.

It’s gotten harder to make Peter blush in the eight years since your first kiss, but the torso cut-out on [the cover-photo dress](http://livestush.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Zendaya-and-Tom-Holland-on-the-cover-of-The-Hollywood-Reporter.jpg) does the trick. After the first delighted eye-widening, he keeps his eyes off you so resolutely that the interviewer purrs, “Trouble in paradise?” You smile and say, “That faraway look means he’s either having our next billion-dollar idea or imagining me taking off this dress.” The interviewer blinks; Peter coughs, crosses his legs and turns even redder; and you just keep smiling.

When you come back out of the dressing room – now they’ve got you in matching checked button-down shirts, because [they’ve never heard of subtlety](https://i.mdel.net/i/db/2017/6/719529/719529-800w.jpg) – the interviewer’s smile tells you she hasn’t forgiven you.

“So, Michelle, word is you’re being groomed to eventually succeed Pepper Potts.”

“I wouldn’t count Pepper out any time soon. Of course like any good leader she’s thinking ahead and trying to give many people the experiences they need to grow. I’m grateful for all I’ve learned from her as a boss.”

“Are you saying you _aren’t_ her successor? SI does have a tradition of its CEO being, ah, recruited via a relationship with its main inventor, after all.” Wow, when did the Hollywood Reporter start trying for hard-hitting journalism?

You paste a bright smile on and turn to Peter in faux delight. “Darling! I think she just implied that Pepper and I _both_ slept our way to the top!”

“You’ve been called a pretty face with a special-snowflake degree –”

“Justin Hammer will just have to accept that he’ll never look this good and I will never draw him his own personal astronomy cow. Seriously, he was your source prepping for this interview? We can give you better ones.”

“Ah, nevertheless, his point that the stockholders have a right to wonder if a liberal-arts degree and a cutesy art series, however much money it’s raised for children’s literacy programs, really qualify you –”

“Well, _one_ liberal arts degree wouldn’t have, I couldn’t fit all the courses I wanted into four years. Two, though?” Maybe you can get this interview onto a better track. She’s a professional reporter, she ought to understand … “I petitioned to create my own majors exactly because I wanted to prepare for this career. I’m not a scientist or a techie. My job is to understand how all the little stories add up to the big picture and what to do about it. So I focused on journalism, cultural anthropology and organizational psychology for my bachelor’s to give myself tools to discover individual and organizational stories, then combined American civil- and labor-rights history, economics and philosophy for my master’s. I kept working at SI for Pepper part-time throughout, focused on SI for all my academic projects, and transitioned to full-time as soon as I was done. The shareholders are welcome to see my performance reviews. Justin Hammer is welcome to ki…keep his jealousy to himself, it’s not a good look.”

Peter sighs and leans his head on your shoulder sadly. “How come no one ever asks if I’ve slept _my_ way to the top? I mean, I’m Spider-Man, I got moves.”

The interviewer clears her throat. “So, Peter, how does it feel being the next Iron Man?”

“I’m not. I’m Spider-Man. Stepping into Tony’s suit – either literally or metaphorically – that’s a lot of weight, you know? I can stand up better without it. I loved Tony and I honor the memory of what he did, but let’s stop looking for the next world savior. Retire the jersey. Keeping the world safe and making it better is up to all of us.”

Classic Peter: distract with snark, invite an attack, respond unexpectedly. You don’t love giving interviews, but tag-teaming with Peter when a reporter is looking for trouble is a familiar hobby. She’ll go for you next.

Peter waits until the interviewer starts to turn back to you. “Actually, Pepper and MJ are continuing Tony’s work as much as I am. He was brilliantly inventive, but his biggest impact was what he _did_ with his tech. I’m honored to be part of continuing his vision, but it’s not all about me.”

“Iron Girls?” Smirking.

Sigh. So much for getting along better. “Iron rusts, we’re adults, and I’m agenderflux, so: no.”

 _Wham, that was a brick wall I just ran into_ , says the interviewer’s face. “You’re, um, you’re what? Would you like to explain that further?”

You think about it for a second. It’s almost tempting, but you don’t need this slightly-hostile person to get your message out. “Nah, not feeling it right now, thanks. I’ve explained myself enough today. Next question?”

“So what’s Tony and Pepper’s daughter’s path here? Are you two displacing her at her parents’ own company?”

Peter laughs. “Have you met Morgan? No one displaces her from where she wants to be.”

“And that’s not at SI?”

“She’s _fourteen_. If she ever wants a place, MJ and I are hardly going to try to keep our little sister out. But she’s pretty firm about living her own life. I think it’s healthy – I get enough ‘next Iron Man’ stuff without being his biological kid.”

“Speaking of that, there have always been rumors –”

For the first time, Peter looks honestly annoyed. “No. Move on.”

“Uh … Michelle, what’s the sweetest thing Peter’s ever done for you?” Either a peace offering or she ran out of Real Journalist questions.

You smile. “I’m not going to tell you the sweetest thousand things, but somewhere below that is the first birthday present he got me, our first summer together. He got me the ‘Women of NASA’ Lego set _and_ insisted I got to build the whole thing myself – wouldn’t let Ned touch it. The next day the Dr. Mae Jemison figure had glitter on the M and the J in her name and Peter had glitter under his fingernails.”

“Aww, that’s so sweet!”

“I never knew you figured it out!” Peter says, affronted. “You never said anything.”

“I wanted to see if you’d keep putting glitter on more things if I kept quiet. Then I, uh, forgot I hadn’t. You had glitter in your hair too.”

“How was it watching Peter – Spider-Man – fight those robot alligator things last week? Were you scared?”

Time for another brick wall. You smile. “Oh, I didn’t.”

“You – but what if he’d died?”

“Then I hardly would have wanted to watch it, would I?” Peter moves his leg against yours a little. He probably heard you gritting your teeth. “Look, in the last month alone, besides those _crocodile_ robots, get it right, he’s stopped a bank robbery, a kidnapping attempt, and something in the sewers with some idiot … you know what, never mind, I’d like to forget that one, he stunk for three days afterwards. I can’t gnaw my knuckles in front of the TV every time he’s out heroing, I’d have no fingers left and get nothing done. He tells me about his day afterwards, invented this, beat up that, I tell him about mine, then we put it aside. If something awful happens, I’ll find out soon enough.”

Peter rolls his eyes. “Yeah, my suit AI will tell her and all my other nannies.” He nudges you.

You nudge back. “You’re the one who wrote the DisasterSpi notification protocol.”

“DisasterSpi?”

“Yeah, because I’m like the OG disaster bi? I mean, plane crashes, having to leave the girl I liked on the dance floor so I could stop her alien-tech-smuggling dad and ruin the rest of her high school life, um, exploding buses and me being on fire on the Tower Bridge, crocodile robots, you’re right let’s not talk about the sewer thing …”

“ _Super_ awkward flirting with the next girl you liked,” you add. “Epically awkward.”

“Shut up,” he says, grinning.

“Dropping her the first time you took her web-swinging,” you sigh, shaking your head.

“You _dropped_ her?” The interviewer has the grace to look horrified. You grin.

“Yeah, it wasn’t my best move,” Peter says. “But dealing with it was really good for us. I even put ‘no dropping MJ’ in my vows.”

Ooooh, Peter can put brick walls out there too. Of course, Pepper is going to kill him for not giving the PR department a heads up, if you don’t get him first.

“Your v- you’re _married_?”

Peter looks like he just realized what he said. You sit up straight and smile happily to take her attention off him. “Yep. Two years ago. I decided it was about time someone made an honest man out of him, and King T’Challa wasn’t stepping up.”

Peter and the interviewer both sputter. There’s a clamor of overlapping “I don’t – I wasn’t – MJ!!” and _“Spider-Man and Black Panther!?”_ Pepper is either going to die laughing or kill you both when this piece comes out. No doubts about Shuri and T’Challa’s reactions, though. Even Okoye might crack a smile.

Oh well. Why stop now? “Yeah, Shuri’s been helping us design the incubator for the twenty or thirty clone-children we’re planning among the three of us. There’s legal questions about the Wakandan succession to sort out before we proceed, of course.”

Peter’s pulled himself together. “Don’t forget the robot children.” He gives the interviewer a soulful look. “I guess in this way I _will_ be following Tony’s footsteps.”

The interviewer goggles. “Morgan Stark is a robot?”

Wow, that escalated fast. You nod serenely. “That’s why you never see pictures of her swimming,” you improvise. “Tony never solved all the problems with the expandable skin-covering, so when she gets submerged her left leg starts shorting out. She likes to wade and splash around so we listen for the ‘bzzt!’ and then say that’s far enough.” Morgan is going to love this. Ten to one she fakes shorting out next time Peter throws her in the pool.

The interviewer looks back and forth between you, then says, “No. You’re pulling my leg.”

“Probably,” you say cheerfully. Pepper would remind you not to totally alienate any reporter unless they’ve been far more awful than this one, though, so you relent. “Not about being married.”

“That’s real,” Peter says softly.

“Yeah,” you say, intertwining your fingers with his. “That’s real.”

\- FIN -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why am I so amused that there are so many wacko villains running around that you have to distinguish between alligator robots and crocodile robots? Of course MJ would know how to. It's all in the shape of the jaw and the level of aggression...
> 
> EDIT 2020-04-21: I've had a couple new subscriptions show up on this story today so figured I should be clear: it's done. No new chapters expected, so clicking the subscribe button on this page won't do anything for you. I'm super complimented whenever anyone subscribes, thank you! If you want to be notified only of new additions to the series, click the series name and then subscribe (but fair warning I don't have any further plans for it at the moment); if you want to be notified of anything I post, click my name and then subscribe. Thanks and I hope to see you in the comments!


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